Personal
Stories: Responses to Shin Buddhism ...
I have lived my entire life in the St. Louis area. My
education includes a B.A. from Southern Illinois University in Government,
History & Sociology and an M.A. from Webster University in Business
Administration. I have worked since 1967 as an accountant, currently serving
as Treasurer of a small manufacturing company in St. Louis. Our companies
claim to fame is that our co-founder was T.S. Eliot's father. Although I
have earned my living for thirty plus years as an accountant, my interest
has always been in the area of comparative religion/sociology of religion.
At age 40 I met and married a research nurse who is currently working with
the department of Geriatrics for St Louis University Medical School. In 1986
after two years of marriage we became foster parents with the hope of
eventually adopting. Finally in 1990, we were able to adopt three
brothers-the three youngest of a sibling group of seven. The boys are now
12, 10 and 8.
I was raised in a Southern Baptist church which I rejected
in my early teens and have been searching since then for a satisfactory
outlet for my religious impulses. I was always uncomfortable with the ideas
of eternal punishment for people who did not belong to the right religion,
with the idea that Jesus was God (in a unique way), with the idea of the
inerrancy of the King James version of the bible, and the idea that all
religions other than evangelical Protestant Christianity were totally wrong.
Over forty years ago, I gave up belief in a transcendent
God outside of the natural order of things and have been more comfortable
with the idea of God as the power or force that is the ground or source of
being. One of my problems with many religions has been that I have always
felt that all ideas of the exact nature of that force is merely speculation
and beyond the ability of people to know.
Some of the things that attracted me to Buddhism are; the
basic spirit of openness and tolerance, the idea of our interdependence
since we are all one at the core seems to me much more reasonable and a view
that is sorely needed in our overly competitive and individualistic society,
and the strong emphasis on the importance of wisdom and compassion.
Following are some of the reasons I find Shin the most
attractive school of Buddhism. The fact that it is a lay rather than a
monastic path. I have always felt strongly that the religious person is not
the one who flees life, but rather the one who is deeply involved in life. I
like the fact that there is a non-celibate priesthood since this means that
the spiritual leaders are not separated from the experiences of the lay
members of the congregation.
Although I have read that some people who grew up in the
Christian faith condition and become Buddhist seek an experience as far
removed from Christian forms of practice as possible, I find some of the
Shin practices I have read about to offer a reassuringly familiar sound.
Although I long ago rejected the theological structure of Christianity, the
services continued to be attractive to me as long as I could mentally
distance myself from the theological expressions. The idea of Amida Buddha
seems to me a better expression for my spiritual yearnings than the idea of
a transcendent God.
My husband and I have a 117-acre farm here. We don't do
any commercial growing, we very much enjoy the open fields and woodlands
surrounding us. We also have a small pond with fish in it. I am a
53-year-old grandmother of seven, four boys and three girls. I am also a
registered nurse and work part-time in a nursing home. I have been an on
again, off again practicing Tibetan Buddhist for 15-20 years. While I was in
Japan last spring, I found the book, "The Teaching of the Buddha" in a
drawer in the hotel where we were staying. In fact, many of the hotels in
Japan and Taiwan have this book in the drawers of the rooms. I started to
read it and what I read struck deep familiar chords within me. I asked the
hotel if I could have the book which they gave to me free of charge.
To make a long story short, after a deep tragedy occurred
in the lives of our family, I felt the need for the teachings about Amida in
my life as presented in this book. I searched the net and came upon sites
for Shin Buddhism, in particular Al Bloom's site Shin
Dharma Net and also The Shinshu Forum, presented by Claude Huss. I have
been to visit the Ekoji Temple in Springfield, VA. I have been also been
communicating with Al Bloom via email. I have come to realize that as a
whole, the communities of Shin Buddhists are warm and caring people. I have
also have come to realize that trusting in the Great Vow and the Name are
like a cushion which support me when I fall and rejoice in when I'm happy."
Born and educated in England, I specialised in the study
of the history of the Christian Church, and I taught in the UK, Spain and
Australia before moving to Hong Kong in 1990. My interests had widened to
include the history of other religions, especially in Asia, and I did
further research in Australia. As my knowledge of Buddhism grew I became
involved in Christian-Buddhist dialogue in Asia and Europe, and that remains
an abiding interest.
My own religious allegiance moved slowly away from my
'cradle' Catholicism towards Buddhism. Possibly because of long exposure to
certain elements of Catholic thought and practice -- namely the idea of the
Church as a church of sinners more than of saints -- I may have been
disposed to find uncongenial forms of Buddhism which put practice beyond the
reach of ordinary people, either through a strong preference for monasticism
(Theravada and Tibetan) or because of a culture of elitism (Zen).
So, Jodo Shinshu seemed to be the form of Buddhism which
left the door open to all. I then began to read Shinshu texts and
commentaries, and found additional reasons for admiring Shinran, Rennyo, and
the forms of spirituality which had developed within the Shinshu tradition.
In this way I came increasingly to think of myself as a Shinshu Buddhist. I
suppose one could say that I read my way there, in solitude, so to speak,
and so I very much feel the need to have some sort of experience of Shinshu
community.
I am 65 years old and retired three years back after
injuries disabled me. I grew up in the Pecos River Country of West Texas. My
family entered that area in the last century, raising cattle and farming. I
had a splendid childhood, with my own pony and two redbone hounds, free as
the wind. My family was poor by modern standards but owed no-one, worked
hard, fed anyone who came to our door and lived in the light of the
Presbyterian Church to which they were devoted. My strongest memory is of
the love we had for each other. My family was my treasure.
I joined the army when I was seventeen, became a
paratrooper and fought in the Korean War. I was wounded and discharged on my
nineteenth birthday. I apprenticed as a stonemason and bricklayer and plied
that trade for ten years. I became a merchant seaman, then a shrimp
fisherman and entered the pacific tuna fishery. Restless, not inclined to
put down roots, I had a growing sense of the emptiness of life. I now know
that I was dimly aware of the impermanence of my existence.
My search began for an understanding of who I was and what
I had to do to gain a measure of wisdom. While I stumbled through my life I
found and married a a wonderful woman. We have two children. My daughter is
now an lawyer for the National Park Service in Washington. My son is a
college student interested in biochemistry. They are my jewels beyond price.
My wife is a long time student of Roshi Aitken, despite the distance that
separates them. She is a sincere and devoted Buddhist and Roshi Aitken a
true teacher in her practice. Despite her MS, which has crippled her, she
lives in her practice as The Buddha teaches us.
I practiced Zen for many years. I was a total failure. My
evil self was too powerful to overcome, too cunning to subdue. I came to
know that -- despite my best intentions -- I had not a single sincere and
selfless thought in my body. I truly lived in misery. When I found the
teaching of Shinran it saved my life. I see in the life of Shinran my own
life, my own story. I was in the hell of my own ignorance and The Great Vow
drove my personal darkness away. Namu Amida Butsu! A few weeks ago I moved
from my home in New Mexico to Austin, Texas. I am rebuilding an old school
bus, making a "mobile home" out of it. When finished this bus will allow me
to take my wife to visit relatives she has never seen and places she has
never been. My life has become a service for my family and any other person
I can touch. I was poor and now I am rich. Namu Amida Butsu!
I follow the path of the Nembutsu as articulated so
clearly by Shinran 750 years ago. I'm a composer, quite active in the
'classical music' field and enjoying a limited success so far in worldly
terms. Recently, I've been writing music to Buddhist texts from both
Hinayana and Mahayana traditions, including poems by Honen and Shinran.
I am thrilled to have a direct connection to the Hawaii
Mission of Honpa Hongwanji, with which I have felt a natural affinity for
some time through contact with Al Bloom and others. I have recently been
making a Shin Buddhism "talking book" series, free for blind and
print-handicapped persons and at a modest fee for sighted persons who want
the convenience of tapes. It is a wonderful way for me to go deeper into
some great books about Shin Buddhism while extending this great Dharma to
sight-impaired people who can't read regular books. On my own initiative I
formed a "sangha" in the Boston area which I call
"Boston
Shinshu."
The sangha has one member so far, myself. But Shinran
said, near the end of his life, that where one is saying the nembutsu there
are two, the other being him, Shinran. I never feel alone when I say the
Nembutsu -- there is Shinran, and of course, there is Amida Buddha, and all
the bodhisattvas and buddhas who praise his name. Shinran wrote that the
Nembutsu will thrive when and where Amida Buddha wishes it to. I have faith
that others will congregate in Boston and share the Nembutsu way when the
time is right, not through any calculated effort on my part. Still, I try to
be visible at Buddhist gatherings and let people know that Shin Buddhism
exists in this area.
Many years ago I was abused in a cult, into which I was
deceptively recruited during a period of severe emotional crisis while I was
in graduate school. Nine years ago I managed to get out of the cult -- a
very small "new age" Christian-and-occult group which had music as its main
activity but was very negative and abusive in actual practice. For years
afterwards I was very anti-religion. But, in my quest for relief from my own
suffering, Buddhism became interesting to me, particularly the logical
explanations about suffering set forth in the Theravada sutras. I was until
then full of hatred towards my abusers in the cult.
When I first read The Dhammapada, where the Buddha
Shakyamuni says "He insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me -- for those who
brood on this, hostility is not stilled; He insulted me, hit me, beat me,
robbed me -- for those who don't brood on this, hostility is stilled." I
resented this when I first read it, but at the same time down deep I knew it
was true. I was being devoured by my hatred for the cult leaders and it had
to stop or they, through my memories of them, would continue to hurt me by
my continuing resentment of them. I gradually became able to let go of the
anger and hatred. I still have anger at them, but not the all-consuming
anger I used to feel, and not nearly as often. I don't expect to be ever
fully free from anger about this in the rest of my life -- that is another
reason I need Amida's Pure Land.
I took a course from a Tibetan Buddhist teacher that went
deep into the 12-chain Wheel of Life and was really impressed by it. Soon
after, I was approached by an ardent practicer of Nichirenshu and I
half-heartedly went along with it. Ironically, the man who introduced me to
Nichiren Buddhism explained to me the basic idea of the Nembutsu after I
made some disrespectful remarks about it (based upon reading Nichiren's
writings). Unintentionally, this person had been the means by which Amida
touched my mind, my ichinen-ta-nen, my shinjin. I felt drawn to the Nembutsu
and, after starting to say the Name, I soon felt my life change from within.
A peace came over me.
Now, even at times of deep emotional agitation, I feel
like I am anchored on the bedrock of faith, not adrift in the sea of
confusion and doubts. In gratitude for this, I have since then set up two
websites on the Internet, (1) the
Boston Shinshu homepage
and (2)
Pure Land Buddhism Page.
On these sites I have loaded a great deal of Pure Land
writings. Frustrated by the lack of the Pure Land Triple Sutra on the
Internet, I found public domain versions of both Larger and Smaller Pure
Land Sutras and loaded them onto these sites. I am currently preparing a new
edition of the Meditation Sutra to be loaded to these sites as well. I have
also started a newsletter, BOSTON SHINSHU NEWS.
I am often asked by people outside the Pure Land
traditions, "What is so special about Amida Buddha -- aren't all Buddhas
Buddhas and therefore equally great? and don't they all have their own Pure
Lands?" My answer is, yes, but Amida Buddha is different - his Pure Land
takes the best of all the other Buddha-lands and discards the strenuous
conditions imposed by those Buddhas to enter their respective Buddha-lands.
Moreover, the Buddha Amida makes his Pure Land available to all beings,
regardless of how good or bad or how high or low their I.Q. He only asks
that they have faith in His Original Vow -- that is ,that He will enlighten
them by his power of transferred merit, provisionally in this life and
completely in the Pure Land.
It is said that this "Easy Path" of Jodo Shinshu is the
hardest to understand. I have found that to be so. You can't understand
faith intellectually. Until you make the leap of faith, the "Easy Path" is
impossible. Most non-Shinshu people I talk to about Shin Buddhism, when I am
asked, are incredulous and can't accept something so simple as what Al Bloom
called "Shinran's Gospel of Pure Grace." They think it is ersatz
Christianity hiding in Buddhist robes. Further, they think it is all
fantasy. They are attached to the idea that anything worth attaining has the
price-tag of strenuous effort, what Shin Buddhism calls 'self-power.'
Like Shinran, I felt defeated and discouraged by
self-power practice, though I didn't go through anything like his agonizing
practice. Yet I did go through almost as many years of 'strenuous practice'
in that cult I described earlier -- it was a practice which I was told was
my only hope for salvation as long as I obeyed all the rules (and they were
harsh) without question. So in a sense, yes, I experienced something much
like Shinran did. I was at the brink of suicide, so discouraged had I
become. There is a saying, "The best things in life are free. "The Buddha
Amida, the Buddha of Measureless Life, is the "best thing" of all, as I see
it -- and His gift of enlightenment and eternal blissful life is free for
the asking. In fact, he asks, and answers, for us and through us. I am
simply a joyful and willing observer and beneficiary in this process,
utterly amazed at this inconceivable dispensation and the compassion driving
it, and thankful that I was found and rescued from endless samsaric
suffering.
I am a 47-year-old male of European-American ancestry. I
have a Bachelors degree in chemistry and biology and am employed in the
field of reproductive medicine. My upbringing was Roman Catholic. At 26,
because of increasing philosophical conflicts between the religion of my
youth and my scientific training, and searching for more effective forms of
mental discipline, I began examining eastern forms of meditation and their
attendant religions and philosophies. It was within this search that I found
the writings of Dr. D.T. Suzuki and Alan Watts. I was very attracted to Zen
Buddhism, particularly, as my studies progressed, the Soto tradition.
Buddhism offered both freedom of inquiry and a religious and philosophical
view of the universe which was in keeping with the latest scientific truth.
Unfortunately, because I live in the Bible belt and
because in this time period Buddhist teachers and priests were few and far
between, I was compelled to largely carry on without direct contact with
teachers except for books and the publication of Zen Notes from the First
Zen Institute in New York. I am therefore self initiated as a Buddhist
convert, having personally taken refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha,
and having taken the 16 vows and the Bodhisattva vows without any formal
ceremony.
In the last few years, as I have continued my training in
Zazen, I have felt that there was something missing in my practice.
Recently, I remembered that most Chan monks in China practiced both Zazen
and recitation of the Nembutsu. This has lead me to Pure Land Buddhism and
to the teachings of Honen and Shinran. And this in turn lead me to you, Dr.
Bloom. I would also like to thank you for your help and good wishes. I am
sure I will have many questions as my studies continue and I will
undoubtedly find books that I will need to purchase. Thank you too for
letting me know I have company in the Houston area.
I am a lecturer in medical sociology and also publish
papers on the relationship between religion and health, in particular drug
and alcohol misuse. In terms of my religious background I was baptised and
brought up in the Church of Scotland. In common with a lot of others of my
generation I drifted away in my adolescence and became attracted to
meditation as taught in Eastern religions. I only became serious (in other
words joined a group) when I felt myself to be threatened with a potentially
serious illness. I started learning Buddhist meditation with the Friends of
the Western Buddhist Order and then I went for Refuge in the Karma Kagyu
School of Tibetan Buddhism. I felt the need for tradition and encounter 'the
real thing'. I am currently completing a Mahamudra Course in this tradition.
So why should I wish to join the Sangha in another
tradition? It could either be a severe case of inability to settle, a bad
case of religious post-modernism, or if I wished to be pretentious, an
ongoing spiritual journey. Ever since starting to meditate I have been
deeply attracted to the devotional and mantric aspects of Buddhism and in
particular to the Buddha Amitabha and have been instructed in practices
within the Tibetan Tradition. Ever since joining the Tibetan Tradition I
have also been involved in inter-faith dialogue. Unlike a lot of British
Buddhists I have never felt the need to reject my Christian background, in
fact I believe this is impossible and the more I have become involved in
Buddhism the more I have rediscovered aspects of my Christian roots which
closely correspond to Buddhist ideas.
As the years have passed and I continued to sit down on my
cushion, I think is some ways I became more confused by a lot of issues. I
was aware I was trying to do everything on my own forcefully (self-power).
Again, although I believe in the purity of the teachings of the Tibetan
Schools I began to become irked by the micro-politics of the small groups
surrounding the teachers. This was particularly the case after I stopped
being a member of these small groups. I am also a lay person with two lovely
children and have no intention of going into a monastery.
Although I believed in the monastic structure as a way of
preserving the purity of the teachings, and that this system produces
spiritual masters I had always implicitly rejected the notion of first and
second class citizens in the spiritual world. So where did this leave me. I
was looking for a simple devotional faith and I was amazed when I discovered
in a library an old slim volume entitled The Jodo Shinshu Creed. It had one
old photograph of a small boy running out of the main gate at Shinran's
mausoleum. I tried to find out more but there did not seem to be much. I
looked through the UK Buddhists Directory and telephone the number of the
Reverend Jack Austin, he had died a couple of years previously but his widow
kindly put me in touch with Jim Pym of the Pure Land Buddhist Fellowship.
Jim Pym continues to be a great help in my developing understanding of Other
Power Buddhism, the practice of the Nembutsu and in the teachings of Shinran.
Being an academic occasionally writing in the sociology of
religion has enabled me to further my personal search for information on
Shin Buddhism and this in turn led me to Al Bloom.
I'm 29 years old. I am Caucasian, of Irish background. I
was born in Whittier CA. but now live in eastern Iowa. I live near Iowa
City, but most of my upbringing was in the LA area. An incident of some
significance to me happened when I was 2 years old, living in CA. I was
involved in a pool accident, and when my mother found me, I was under water,
and not breathing. This is another reason to believe that I may have a
purpose in this life.
However, when I was 15, I sort of lost faith in what I was
being taught in the Christian church. I was against ALL religion and
considered myself an atheist. Since I didn't believe in anything or anyone,
(including myself) I descended into a limbo of doubt. I abused my body with
drugs and alcohol and really wanted to die.
When I was 23, I nearly got my wish. I survived a suicide
attempt, (and to this day believe that it wasn't my 'time' to die just
then). From there I had to literally rebuild my life. I had hit rock bottom
and had nowhere to go but up. It was then that I started going to the local
library and read everything I could on the religions of the world. Some were
simply meaningless, others held partial truth, but when I came upon the
teachings of Buddhism, I knew I had found my way to the REAL truth.
I wasn't looking to end my emotional turmoil, but how to
just live. Since I didn't die when I tried to, living THIS life became my
priority.
Since I had had to start at the beginning, I read on
Theravada Buddhism. I was getting close, but it wasn't a 'right fit' to what
would be most meaningful to me.
I glossed over the Tibetan school, but the wrathful and
'helping' demons seemed too sundry in its teachings. I came to the Ch'an
school of Sheng-yen by way of his book 'Dharma Drum'. Since there wasn't
much available on Buddhism in this part of the U.S., I had to rely on
Tricycle Quarterly. There I ordered books as often as I could afford it.
Soto Zen became my second to last search for the ultimate
Truth. When I realized that I couldn't leave home and become a monk, or
spend thousands of dollars on Retreats. I hit a brick wall. Meditation was
very hard, and knew no matter how hard I tried to 'just sit'; I could never
become perfect.
I was overcome with guilt about my past, I could never
erase my misdeeds, and I was failing fast in my pursuit of why I didn't die
when I tried. (If I was a failure, Why should I be allowed to live?!) In
desperation I read Shambala's Dictionary of Buddhism and Zen trying to find
that one last glimmer of hope....
I read about Amida Buddha, Nembutsu, The White Lotus
Society of ancient China, and all the entries that spoke of Amida. Through
Tricycle Quarterly I located the Buddhist Bookstore, and ordered
their catalogue. I started with as many introductions to Jodo Shinshu
Buddhism books as I could, and ordered the "Jodo Shinshu Handbook for
Laymen." I knew that only through the compassion of Amida could I have any
hope.
When I had the time I used my parents computer to locate
Shinshu websites. I memorized the Shinshu Creed which I say whenever I light
incense before my home altar. This by the way is made up of a scroll of
Amida Buddha from the Buddhist Bookstore, an electric 8-inch temple lantern
from a Zen catalogue, A koro from the local Asian market, and a brass vase
from Goodwill! It sits on a table about waist high.
In the last month, I have had a bit of rough luck. I had
to move home with my parents. That sounds rather sad and pathetic, but it
has enabled me full use of the internet to communicate with others on the
Nembutsu path for the first time in three years of study and practice. My
parents also appreciate me being home so that I can help out more as they
get older. So what at first seems like a sad situation really has served a
useful purpose not only to me, but my family. It has also helped me to reach
beyond my limited self and seek help from wonder people who share the same
aspirations as myself.
I am employed in a small screen printing company in Iowa
City. Since the staff totals only 10, I have had to learn many aspects of
the business. I never went to college, (which explains my bad attempt at an
autobiography!) I could have and should have gone on to further my
education, but for so many years lacked the self-confidence to even believe
that I could do it.
I probably gave all of you who read this too much bad
information and not enough of why I chose Jodo Shinshu and the teachings of
Shinran as my own. Some of you may think I do not deserve to hear the true
teachings of Shinran. You may be Right. I can only say in my defense as
taught by the Shonin in one English version of Shoshin Ge. "Like various
polluted rivers, all become one taste upon entering the ocean of the Vow."
Through everything I've put myself through and put others
through, I am glad to be alive! I am very grateful to have been born in this
life, which enabled me to come to know Amida Buddha's compassion. The 18th
Vow was intended for such a being as myself! Shinran taught the Ultimate
Truth. Regardless of whether I go to the Pure Land or am condemned to Avichi
Hell, I shall never regret saying the Nembutsu with all my heart.
When Shinran spoke of the Pure Land way as the 'easy
path,' I find it is not at all easy. I do not know if I have been given
Shinjin or if it is through my own calculations. It is really not my
business. All I can do is say the Nembutsu, and be the best person I can.
I still get angry, sad and doubt myself, but I will never
doubt the Primal Vow. All I can do is be honest, as caring as I can, and
live my life as best as Amida guides me. He led me to finally speak up (so
to speak), so all of you could know I am here. Thank you for reading this.
May all beings attain peace.
Namu Amida Butsu.
